What Makes You Happy Mommy?

This question is enough to bring forth a flood of words, but also a bit of panic.  What if I couldn't think of an answer?

Last night, my son (who just turned 4) looked at me and said, "What makes you happy, Mommy?"  I don't know if he was genuinely curious, or if he was scared that nothing made Mommy happy - he'd been in trouble quite a few times yesterday.  My general response was, "Lots of things make me happy, Jaxson."  Of course that was not a good enough answer, so he countered with, "Like what?"

After I caught my breath (crickets chirped briefly in my mind), I couldn't stem the flow of things that make me happy...

Getting to see a sunrise or sunset, rainbows, dancing in the rain, listening to rain, reading a good book, watching a movie with my loves, snuggling with my kids, cooking, eating really good food, dark chocolate, black coffee, making things with my hands (crafting, sewing), going to church, learning something new, making something for my kids, reading to my kids, Jaxson, Emelyn, spending time with my parents/brother/sister-in-law/husband/kids (especially when we all get along), the beach, taking a walk, experiencing a first with my kids, seeing my kids learn a new skill or get one "right," taking a nap, sleeping on clean sheets, a hot shower, dancing, singing (even if I am off-key), hot cocoa with lots of marshmallows, waiting for the first snowfall, watching icy snow glitter in the glow of street lamps, spending Thanksgiving with my family, our annual "special cabin" trip, camping, playing a game, gardening, canning, sitting on Mamaw's porch swing listening to the sounds of the woods, finding a perfect leaf in fall colors, butterflies, hearing birds sing, seeing a wild rabbit, having a home, still having more brown hair than silver hair, the sound of tree frogs chirruping instead of croaking, going fishing, eating a bowl of popcorn, driving through the country, seeing a dolphin, watching an electrical storm over the ocean, making shapes out of clouds, writing, drawing, coloring, flowers, handmade pottery...

I guess to that list I should add - having children who remind me that I have more things to be thankful for and happy about than things that make me sad.  I asked him what made him happy, and one of the first things he said was, "Hugging you and loving you."  All I could do was hug him and tell him that those two things make me very happy, too.

What would you say if your child asked you?

Stifle Yourself

Are we preprogrammed to stifle any feelings and outward displays of joy? I am beginning to believe so. I have always been incredibly self-conscious and uncomfortable with the idea of other people judging me by my actions. I find it difficult to show joy and happiness when I am participating in any activity with another person besides my children. I can't even smile during a movie at home with my husband for fear he thinks I am odd for finding it humorous or interesting. Realizing this may help me understand (and fix) my anger and tough exterior. For all my vocalizations I should have been a drill sergeant or a lawyer!

Why I asked if we are preprogrammed to hide our true emotions is because of my daughter. She had asked to ride a merry go round outside the local Family Dollar, and I put it off because I can't leave my son in the van alone and he is not yet big enough to ride it with her. Last week I went to Save A Lot to get a gallon of white vinegar to try out the homemade cleaners from Organized Simplicity. Since I had another adult with me to stay with my son, I decided to let my daughter ride. She was excited, but once she started going 'round, she tried to hide her joy, smile, and laughter from me as if she were embarrassed to be feeling joy in this new experience. I thought it was strange.

Today, I took her to ride again expecting her to be eager to ride. She didn't even want to get out of the van! Once I finally convinced her it was ok, and if she really didn't want to it was fine but we wouldn't be back, she said, "Well, maybe." I put her on the yellow horse this time (white last time), put in my 50 cents, and off she galloped...still trying not to let me see her enjoy the ride. I took pleasure in knowing she was enjoying it, but I am concerned for her. If she tries to hide her enjoyment now, at age 3, how much harder is it going to be to express joy as she gets older? I want her to have a zest for life and to enjoy as much as she can. I guess that means I am going to have to break down my own walls and show her how it's done. I wonder where to start? It is going to be hard to ignore the inner voice whispering, "Stifle yourself," at every turn.