Stifle Yourself

Are we preprogrammed to stifle any feelings and outward displays of joy? I am beginning to believe so. I have always been incredibly self-conscious and uncomfortable with the idea of other people judging me by my actions. I find it difficult to show joy and happiness when I am participating in any activity with another person besides my children. I can't even smile during a movie at home with my husband for fear he thinks I am odd for finding it humorous or interesting. Realizing this may help me understand (and fix) my anger and tough exterior. For all my vocalizations I should have been a drill sergeant or a lawyer!

Why I asked if we are preprogrammed to hide our true emotions is because of my daughter. She had asked to ride a merry go round outside the local Family Dollar, and I put it off because I can't leave my son in the van alone and he is not yet big enough to ride it with her. Last week I went to Save A Lot to get a gallon of white vinegar to try out the homemade cleaners from Organized Simplicity. Since I had another adult with me to stay with my son, I decided to let my daughter ride. She was excited, but once she started going 'round, she tried to hide her joy, smile, and laughter from me as if she were embarrassed to be feeling joy in this new experience. I thought it was strange.

Today, I took her to ride again expecting her to be eager to ride. She didn't even want to get out of the van! Once I finally convinced her it was ok, and if she really didn't want to it was fine but we wouldn't be back, she said, "Well, maybe." I put her on the yellow horse this time (white last time), put in my 50 cents, and off she galloped...still trying not to let me see her enjoy the ride. I took pleasure in knowing she was enjoying it, but I am concerned for her. If she tries to hide her enjoyment now, at age 3, how much harder is it going to be to express joy as she gets older? I want her to have a zest for life and to enjoy as much as she can. I guess that means I am going to have to break down my own walls and show her how it's done. I wonder where to start? It is going to be hard to ignore the inner voice whispering, "Stifle yourself," at every turn.