Negativity? Psht! This is my year of living optimistically...or at least my best attempt. I don't consider myself to be an overtly negative person. I'm not all doom and gloom, glass half empty, the sky is falling. Most of the time I feel like things are going to be fine, and that is because I have some pretty powerful players on my team.
With that being said, I do tend to be hyper-critical of everyone, myself included. That is a negative personality trait that I have prayed about for years. I don't remember it being so bad when I was in high school, but something about college brought out my cynical side and my critical nature. Maybe it was because I was upholding myself to nearly unattainable standards (which is understandable when you consider the educational achievements of those who graduated before me), or maybe it was because of all the negative things that happened during my senior year of high school and shortly after graduation. Who knows? At this point I don't really care how it happened or why. I just want to fix it so my children do not grow up thinking that criticizing others (and themselves) is an appropriate behavior to indulge in.
I am trying to start small. This is in no way a "New Year's Resolution." I honestly do not believe in making an NYR, because simply giving it the title of a resolution dooms it to failure. I also believe that you can resolve to make a change at any point during the year (and fail just as completely), so why force yourself to start a new year that you can't even remember to write correctly with a huge goal that you have no intention of fulfilling? Here is an example of a failed NYR, and it's only the third week of the new year...I resolved to get out of bed at 8 o'clock each morning for the entire month before gradually moving my wake time backward until I was rising early enough to ensure I could get my daughter to school on time when she starts this fall. I did well for the first week and a half, and then slowly I began to add just 5 more minutes until I either get up at 9 or fall asleep on the couch as soon as I'm out of bed. Last year I waited until February to make my resolution, and it stuck much better - I am still exercising most days of the week.
So, get on with it, you say. Alright. The two littlest loves of my life, who have the largest chunks of my heart, are where I am starting. I had already begun to avoid talking about my kids' bad behavior in front of them. So if they've had a really bad day, been in trouble a lot, I try really hard not to mention it while they are in the room - preferably not even if they are still awake. My mom gave me that jewel of an idea. It makes sense, though. If a child only hears the negative things that they have done, they soon begin to believe they are "bad" children and are doomed to failure and getting in trouble. Why on earth would I want to set my kids up for a lifetime of feeling like they are "bad" people? I've been there briefly as a child, it ain't pretty!
That has been going pretty well, but lately I've noticed that the anger I feel toward their "bad" behavior outweighs the joy I feel at their "good" behavior. My kids have been yelled at quite a bit lately - yes, I do yell when they won't listen to me. They have been in time out or had toys taken away as punishment. I have been at my threshold for dealing with this type of stuff. So a couple of nights ago, as I was trying to go to sleep after a particularly trying day, I prayed. Remember those powerful players I have on my team? Yeah, I was talking about God and his Only Begotten. I asked God to give me some way that I could turn this around and make it better for us all. A way that I could focus on the goodness in my children (who really are angelic when compared to a lot of their age-mates).
As I was about to drift off to sleep, it came to me - Write it down. I thought, huh? What do you mean write it down? Then again - the image of an index card with all the good things for the day just written on it. Specifically it was a lilac colored index card. I was literally on the verge of being out for the night, and when that message was sent to me my eyes popped open and it was like Grampy's lightbulb was hanging over my head. I went to sleep with a smile on my face, a thank you in my heart, and I slept very soundly for the first time in a while.
The next day I tried to figure out the best way to write down these kindnesses and good behaviors. Should I use index cards and bind them some way? Should I get a pocket calendar for each child? Should I keep a journal? After church I went to the Family Dollar store and tried to find something, but there was nothing that really stuck out to me. I didn't want a perforated page, because I didn't want the chance of the evidence of their goodness being ripped away. I want this to be something they can look back on and see that their mother thought they were good children, caught them being good, and took the time to document their goodness. I finally settled on standard issue black and white composition books with 100 pages. Yes, I realize that if they had a LOT of goodness in one day that would not be enough for an entire year, but I estimate these will last more than a year.
It has been nice to focus on catching them doing good things. Picking up the room without a fight, playing nicely together, giving me random hugs/kisses/I love yous, wiping down and then setting the dining table, sharing toys, waking up with a smile. I am focusing on what my kids are doing right rather than what they are doing wrong. It doesn't mean that I don't still discipline them. I am just taking a different approach. In the last two days I have not yelled once (at my children), and I have only marginally raised my voice. They have still had a few time outs, but because I am not focused on what they are doing wrong I am allowing them to make mistakes and learn from it with gentle correction rather than being made to feel like they are horrible children.
I pray that this year will bring wonderful things for my children. I want to have a close relationship with each of them, and I want them to know how much I cherish every moment that I spend with them. I want to look back at the end of the year, read through their books, and say, "Look at what a good year you had." Is a child inherently good? Absolutely! It is up to the adults in their life to point out the ways that they are good and encourage more goodness. If a child feels worthless or as if they can only do bad things, they might just grow up to be adults who do only bad things.
